Man Buys Giant Church Organ, Doesn't Know Where to Put

HAMDEN, Connecticut— Local man, Johnson Malone, bought a grand church organ for his small Connecticut home last Wednesday. The organ, which has approximately 11,499 pipes, set Malone back 3.7 million dollars.

            “Yeah it was one of those impulse buys, you know? I saw it and I just had to have to no matter what it cost, ten, twenty, hell even thirty thousand dollars! I was a little surprised when it was $3.7 million, but hey like I said I just had to have it.”

            “You’re not going to have me anymore you dumb #$*!” commented Mrs. Malone about the purchase from the adjoining room.

            As of now Malone isn’t quite sure where he will place the 40 foot tall, 173,000 pound mass of reeds, pipes, and wood. The organ will arrive, unassembled, in 18 different semitrailers. The installation period is expected to require 11 months of expert assembly and several thousand dollars in fees.

            “Eh, I was thinking I could skip out on the whole assembly thing. I can do it myself. Hell, I built Tony’s bed from Ikea, and the directions weren’t even in English! How hard can it be to voice, tune, refine, and assemble 11,499 pipes, install 306 wooden drawknobs, and do whatever else I gotta do. I’ll just get some of the guys from work and we’ll do it in a weekend.”

            As of now Malone is watching the various parts of the organ arrive at his house.      

            “You know, this might not fit in the living room after all. But hey at least we have a bigger piano than the Stanley Morgan next door!”  

Think this was a bad buy? Well what would YOU do with millions of dollars? Tell us now by living out your millionaire dream at Butlr.com, the Millionaire Fantasy Game.

50 Cent Surprised to Have Net Worth of $100 Million

Today rapper 50 Cent was surprised to discover his net worth is close to 100 million dollars. “Golly, I thought I was worth like three fiddy, maybe like four dollars at most, but one-hundred million? Oh my! I’m surprised as heck!” said the ghetto-born rapper.  

            50 Cent, or Curtis Jackson, has accumulated his massive net worth through a combination of rapping, entrepreneurship, acting, and investing. 50 Cent was very surprised to find out his hard work resulted in the earning of million of dollars.  “I was living out the whole ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’ thing and I thought I would always, well, die tryin’. It was just dreadful, I couldn’t even afford a proper manicure or perm. You know I thought I was so poor I was rapping without a shirt sometimes! But look at me now! I am just happy as a child in a candy shop! Oh look at me, now I’m just blushing up like a cherry!”

            The rapper had reportedly always let his accountant, Larry Schneider, handle his finances, which he himself took little to no interest in. When Mr. Schneider informed the rapper of his wealth for the first time earlier today, which supposedly hit 50 cent harder than a slug.

            “Oh Larry you tease,” said the street-hardened rapper, “you are joshing me! 100 million dollars? No, no, no that’s a fib if I ever heard one.”

            As of now 50 Cent is on a spending spree with his friends in the shopping district of New York. Reportedly, he is also considering changing his name to something more indicative of his wealth. 

How would you live if you discovered you were worth $100 million? Find out now at Butlr.com, the Fantasy Millionaire Game! 

"So I can star in more movies," Nicolas Cage Comments on Plans to Clone Self

Reports came in Wednesday that actor Nicolas Cage plans to clone himself so that he can take more movie roles. “There are so many roles out there these days, National Treasure 3, Ghost Rider 3, Sorcerer’s Apprentice 2, I mean how’s a guy to decide! This way I won’t have to. And there’s the added bonus that with twice as many roles, I’m sure to land at least one good one.”

            Cage, an actor who has recently run into significant financial troubles, is desperate to find extra sources of income whether it be starring in wacky children’s adventure films or cloning himself.

            Cage will be the first human to undergo the cloning process, which is largely unproven and highly risky.

            When asked about it Cage replied, “Oh well you see, it’s all part of the whole lab monkey gig. You sit there and they inject you with this miscellaneous needle and that untested chemical and then you tell them what it does to you. And then get this, they pay you for it. Yeah, pay you, like real cash! It’s a little scam in the system I discovered a few years back.”

            Nicolas Cage underwent the initial DNA extraction procedure on Wednesday afternoon. Reporters were able to catch up with the actor outside the clinic at a bus stop. “It went really well,” commented the actor, “They made some ‘mistakes’ so my insurance is filling me out a fat payment. I’m really happy about it all. And I’m hoping that I can get the added bonus of a clone. Think of all the work I’ll be able to take in addition to acting: Restaurants, department stores, schools. I’ll really be in the money . . . Hey do any of you have a quarter for bus fare?”

            Researchers say the science behind the cloning process is ‘very iffy’ but that they hope for the best in the end. “Nic’s a tough guy, it’s not like he’s never roughed out some side-effects before, just remember the whole new Rogaine hair chemical fiasco from a few years back. Uck, awful stuff. But Nic took it in stride.”

            Cage will undergo the second part of the procedure on Friday. As of now Cage is looking for extra work since being fired as Starbucks Barista after stealing the tip cup.   

 Nicolas Cage is trying to become to millionaire again, but what would YOU do if you were one? Find out now at Butlr.com, the Fantasy Millionaire Game!

 

Smug College Student Thinks He Has 'Struck it Rich'

College student Brad Stilner is confident he has struck it rich with his new idea. “Yeah, it’s like a website. I can’t say much, it’s still like in the brainstorming phase” said the arrogant teen as he stuffed Doritos into his mouth while sitting on his La-Z-Boy sofa. The student provided no details on the implementation or design of his idea.

“Yup I got a pretty good idea. I’ll be the next Instagram,” smugly said the student while playing the latest Call of Duty. “It’s going to be huge,” he said as he simultaneously placed more Doritos into his mouth.

The young student’s mother was very proud when informed her son had ‘the next big idea’. “He’s always been like that, thinking up ideas! Once I told him to eat his vegetables because there were starving kids in Africa. And you know what he said,? He said ‘It’s not like we could get the vegetables there very easily’. What a smart boy he is, always thinking!”

Although the idea is still completely undeveloped and without any proof that it will work, investors have already started evaluating it. One venture capitalist firm has displayed significant interest in it. “We believe firmly in the success of Brad’s idea. The internet is huge these days and if he says he might do something involving it . . . well, we want in on it.”

When asked about the pressure for him to succeed with his idea Brad responded, “What? My Idea? What are you talking . . . oh yeah, that idea. Yeah, yeah. I’ll get on that soon.”

Friends of the smug and confident teen say they have definitely noticed a change of demeanor in their young, entrepreneuring friend. Reports came in that Brad now wears slightly nicer clothes, slicks his hair back, and is even more dismissive of people than before.

“I’ll have to get ready for my public offering, you know like look good and all. I’ve also kept some notes for when they make a movie about the founding of my company . . . Who do you think will play me? I hope not its not one of those Twilight actors . . .”

Friends and family are still waiting to hear the next big idea which the cocky student claims, “ Is gonna be huge” but as of now he is still waiting for his hot pocket to heat up and for the next round of Team Deathmatch to begin.


Brad is rich now, but why not be rich yourself? Live out a fantasy life as a millionaire at Butlr.com, the Fantasy Millionaire Game!

Local Man Torn Over Country Club Decision, Meanwhile Millions Starve

          Today, while millions of starving souls across the world hungered for the smallest morsel of food, local Connecticut man Johnson Malone pondered which country club to join: The snooty Green Haven or the ‘old money’ Golden Acres. 

    “The steak tartare is really just excellent at Golden Acres, although they do mix rather a weak Manhattan.” commented Malone, a man of thirty-six who has spent years kissing asses and saying he likes it to climb the salary ladder of a local law firm.  While countless tales of unbearable human misery unraveled across the globe, Malone, who has always been a logical man, calmly mulled over a mental list of the pros and cons of each club.

“Well I suppose Mr. Walterson is in Golden Acres, but Green Haven has a 4^th of July social ball that is simply to die for,” he said as thousands across the globe suffered in bleary-eyed, hunger-driven fevers.

“But the little weenie hor d'oeuvres are superb at Golden Acres,” whined Malone, “Hmmm, this is going to be a tough one.” Malone spent the early morning debating whether with proper boiling he could eat the rubber sole of his shoe. The Writer’s mistake, rather that was a diseased and emaciated man in Southern India, Malone spent the morning waiting in a coffee line that he silently and angrily declared, ‘too long’, while he pondered whether Green Haven provided club golf shoes or if members were expected to bring their own. “Bringing a big gym bag around with an extra pair of shoes will be a real hassle,” he commented.

Later, as millions doubted the possibility of breakfast the next morning, Malone worried whether the Golden Acres Dining Club had a buffet-style breakfast. “I quite like the portions of a buffet, but I always worry that the chefs might compromise quality for quantity in that situation,” commented Malone as he sped along in his Mercedes.

As of now, Malone is still debating which club to join. Sources say he is leaning towards Golden Acres, but that he is ‘not sure’.

How would YOU live as a millionaire? Would you join a country club? Buy a Ferrari? Take a trip to Paris? Sketch out your own millionaire lifestyle now! 

Charles Barkley To Buy NBA Championship Ring

         "These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it."

     Charles Barkley uttered this quote about his new shoes. Another thing they never did was make Barkley win, or at least win a NBA championship. 

       Reports came last week that NBA Great Charles Barkley is trying to buy a NBA championship ring. The 11-time NBA All-Star, 1993 league MVP, 2-time Olympic Gold Medalist, and NBA hall-of-famer never won a championship in his 16 years in the league. To remedy this blemish on his career Barkley offered last Tuesday to buy a championship ring for $5,000,000. “I mean there are suckahs out there who won and ring and didn’t even make 5 mil a single season! I’m giving a ridiculous deal here.”

           

The 6-6 former power forward approached six-time champion Michael Jordan first. After repeated refusal by Jordan, Barkley continued to protest saying, “Ah c’mon Michael”. Barkley, author of several self-help books, did not give up and even sweetened the deal by adding his lifetime supply of Taco Bell 5 Dollar Boxes. Jordan still refused. Barkley did not seem capable of grasping the vast net worth of Michael Jordan and his complete numbness to money. Jordan later accepted the deal only on the terms that Barkley would also take ownership of the struggling Charlotte Bobcats to which Barkley responded, “That’s ridiculous”.

           

Wednesday morning with still no luck, Barkley turned to the rest of world. “C’mon, somebody, puh-lease!” he commented on Wednesday afternoon. Barkley reportedly said he would settle for a NCAA championship ring also.

This is how Charles Barkley lives his millionaire dream. How would you live YOUR millionaire fantasy? Find out now at Butlr.com, the Fantasy Millionaire Game.

Donald Trump Buys Justin Bieber's Hair for $25 Million

Staying in fashion costs money. Last week billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump tried to purchase Justin Bieber’s hair for $25,000,000. Trump reportedly desired the hair to improve his image for the upcoming 2012 presidential election which he plans to run in. Trump hopes to appeal to the young teenage girl audience with the new hairdo. Assistants tried to inform Mr. Trump of the voting age, but long, flowing hair covered his ears.

“I like the hair, I really do. It’s definitely me,” remarked Trump while vainly staring in a mirror and styling it, “it definitely gets me more attention.” Since then the 66 year-old has repeatedly broken out into high-pitched singing, flipped his hair constantly during board meeting, received several record deals, and even won Teen Choice Award. “You know it’s amazing what you can do with just twenty five million dollars,” said Trump about all the changes in his life.

Trumps purchase was in part spurned by the recent firing of his old hair. Earlier last week there were reports of extended late-night meetings in Trump’s New York boardroom. Heated argument could be heard from behind the boardroom’s closed doors. The argument ended when a loud “You’re fired!” was heard. The doors then opened and a visibly disappointed red toupee left the room. A frustrated and bald Trump sat inside the room fuming.

When asked for comments after, the red toupee said, “I knew I wasn’t performing very well, but I had no idea I was about to get the bucket! I mean I covered his head just fine, and now just like this he fires me. God, how am I going to tell Marie about this, I can’t get work again not in this economy!”

            Experts had originally valued the teen sensation’s hair at only 20 million dollars, but a rival bid by balding NBA star Lebron James caused the price to jump. Trump and James reportedly entered into an aggressive bidding war. The NBA MVP backed off only after notoriously bald NBA sharpshooter Ray Allen joined his team. “Imma look real good next to that shiny head,” said James. Trump won the bid and promptly tore the beautiful mess of hair off the teen singer’s head with a smile laugh. Bieber was left bald, but twenty five million dollars richer.

            That’s one millionaire lifestyle, but how would you live yours? Fulfill your own millionaire fantasy at Butlr, the Fantasy Millionaire Game site.