Reports came in Wednesday that actor Nicolas Cage plans to
clone himself so that he can take more movie roles. “There are so many roles
out there these days, National Treasure
3, Ghost Rider 3, Sorcerer’s Apprentice 2, I mean how’s a guy to decide!
This way I won’t have to. And there’s the added bonus that with twice as many
roles, I’m sure to land at least one good
one.”
Cage, an actor who has recently run
into significant financial troubles, is desperate to find extra sources of
income whether it be starring in wacky children’s adventure films or cloning
himself.
Cage will
be the first human to undergo the cloning process, which is largely unproven
and highly risky.
When asked
about it Cage replied, “Oh well you see, it’s all part of the whole lab monkey
gig. You sit there and they inject you with this miscellaneous needle and that
untested chemical and then you tell them what it does to you. And then get
this, they pay you for it. Yeah, pay you, like real cash! It’s a little scam
in the system I discovered a few years back.”
Nicolas
Cage underwent the initial DNA extraction procedure on Wednesday afternoon.
Reporters were able to catch up with the actor outside the clinic at a bus stop.
“It went really well,” commented the actor, “They made some ‘mistakes’ so my
insurance is filling me out a fat payment. I’m really happy about it all. And
I’m hoping that I can get the added bonus of a clone. Think of all the work
I’ll be able to take in addition to acting: Restaurants, department stores,
schools. I’ll really be in the money . . . Hey do any of you have a quarter for
bus fare?”
Researchers
say the science behind the cloning process is ‘very iffy’ but that they hope
for the best in the end. “Nic’s a tough guy, it’s not like he’s never roughed
out some side-effects before, just remember the whole new Rogaine hair chemical
fiasco from a few years back. Uck, awful stuff. But Nic took it in stride.” 
Cage will
undergo the second part of the procedure on Friday. As of now Cage is looking
for extra work since being fired as Starbucks Barista after stealing the tip
cup.
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