Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Man Buys Giant Church Organ, Doesn't Know Where to Put

HAMDEN, Connecticut— Local man, Johnson Malone, bought a grand church organ for his small Connecticut home last Wednesday. The organ, which has approximately 11,499 pipes, set Malone back 3.7 million dollars.
            “Yeah it was one of those impulse buys, you know? I saw it and I just had to have to no matter what it cost, ten, twenty, hell even thirty thousand dollars! I was a little surprised when it was $3.7 million, but hey like I said I just had to have it.”
            “You’re not going to have me anymore you dumb #$*!” commented Mrs. Malone about the purchase from the adjoining room.
            As of now Malone isn’t quite sure where he will place the 40 foot tall, 173,000 pound mass of reeds, pipes, and wood. The organ will arrive, unassembled, in 18 different semitrailers. The installation period is expected to require 11 months of expert assembly and several thousand dollars in fees.
            “Eh, I was thinking I could skip out on the whole assembly thing. I can do it myself. Hell, I built Tony’s bed from Ikea, and the directions weren’t even in English! How hard can it be to voice, tune, refine, and assemble 11,499 pipes, install 306 wooden drawknobs, and do whatever else I gotta do. I’ll just get some of the guys from work and we’ll do it in a weekend.”
            As of now Malone is watching the various parts of the organ arrive at his house.      
            “You know, this might not fit in the living room after all. But hey at least we have a bigger piano than the Stanley Morgan next door!”  

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